Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
