Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
