we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
