Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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