turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
