I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
