I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
