I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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