i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
