I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
