Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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