Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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