Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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