I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
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