I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
