Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
