Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
