I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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