so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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