after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
