Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
