I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
