Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
