I cockslap morals
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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