Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Randomize
