I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
