It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
