My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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