there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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