there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
