she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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