apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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