so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
