I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
