Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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