At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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