I could make wine with my vomit
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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