I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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