There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Randomize
