One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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