The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
