At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
