I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Randomize
