Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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