Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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