i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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