I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
