Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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