Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Randomize
