You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Randomize
