Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
