you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
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