My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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