you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
